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Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existance by Adrienne Rich

I don’t know what I’m feeling these days. Just constant vacillation. I’m lonely, then I’m not. I’m a hypochondriac, then I’m not. I’m calm, then I’m not. I’m young and attractive, then I’m not. It was actually easier when it got dark at 5. It felt like a real transition in the day. Now, the sun is shining when my workday ends, and there I am, sitting by myself in my apartment, wearing stretchy clothes.

My weeks have been so uneventful, which is such a strange change from the constant unending flow of work. It is so weird to have so much downtime, and I’m trying not to see it as a problem. Who knows how long it will last. Even still, the few appointments on my calendar — a virtual author talk on Wednesday, a physical appointment on Thursday, a possible friend hangout during the weekend, and my first vaccine appointment on Monday — all feel like intrusions. I get really anxious about plans and anxious about the future. A year in my life, once so expansive and limitless and full of friends and career goals and sexual intrigue, is now just an extended hibernation, which will possibly be interrupted by a “return to office” plan sometime this summer. Maybe it will be the best thing in the world for me to not be at home all day anymore. Maybe I will be able to bake more exploration into my day. Or maybe it’ll be a disaster for my mental health and autonomy. I don’t know what to want.

I guess all of this is to say that I don’t really feel excited by anything I write anymore and I should try to find a sneaky little creative outlet to return to throughout my day so that I don’t have to feel like this forever. Something must be done about this brain fog.

“When I asked my teacher, Maria Elena, when in her life she connected with the shamanic field, she said, ‘I was never disconnected from it. My issue was that I was not connected to the mind. I did not understand the rational-mind perspective.’

She went on to say that people who are primarily connected to the energy of the body, and thus to the shamanic field, are afraid when someone connected with only the mind is speaking. It frightens them because a mind that is not in communication with the body and its energy field seems, in some ways, to be lying.

I immediately understood what she meant. The reverse is also true: when someone connected only to the mind interacts with people who are connected to the shamanic field via their energy body, those connected to the mind often see the others’ actions as illogical and crazy. Yet as irrational as their actions may seem, they are in accord with the larger energy field.”

—Ann Marie Chiasson, MD in “Energy Healing: The Essentials of Self-Care”

I actually did pick up this weird piece of garbage and brought it home to hang on my fridge.

The cherry blossoms have come to Queens. 🌸

Look at this cake!!!! It’s the Strawberry-Glazed Passionfruit Cake from Yossy Arefi’s Snacking Cakes, which I’ve decided that I’m simply going to bake all the way through.

The cake itself needed to be baked to the full time suggestion: 35 minutes. I’m finding that my oven definitely runs a little bit cold, so those extra five minutes were key. Not a lot of rise on this one, perhaps because of the fruit puree inside, but maybe it’s technically a shortcake? I don’t know! It isn’t as airy as my last two snacking cakes, but it is VERY light and flavorful. The passionfruit comes through beautifully.

And the freeze-dried strawberries in the icing… wow. This is the first icing I’ve ever made. Have always thought it was unnecessary to have more sugar on top your dessert, but my god.. I think I’ve been turned. That color is all natural. It lends such a beautiful fruity tartness and those little chewy chunks you see… *chefs kiss*

This might just be my new favorite bake. It’s probably going to last three days in my apartment. I would totally double this recipe and make it a layer cake. It is that good. I will plan to do that to bring along when I reunite with my friends again, I think it would be so cute.

The week before this one, I actually baked her Simple Sesame Cake (sans sesame seeds), but I left it nakedly un-iced, so it ended up looking exactly like the Coconut-Lime Cake. So that’s why I didn’t document it here, lol. I was also too stressed and bedraggled at the end of my workday to take a proper picture of it. Tasted exquisite, though! Like a cross between a light and fluffy peanut butter cake and a sugar cookie.

It me forever

Accidental artiness

This trivia about The Lady From Shanghai is so much better than the movie itself.

Mx. Antoinette 3/14

Sweet! But yummy and slightly tangy when all stirred up. Tiny tiny container for $3. Did not think I could buy this bougee brand in Queens, so had to get it when I saw it. Got the lemon-elderflower flavor, too.

To Catch a Thief (1955)

I’ve been thinking a lot these days about The After Times. OK, it’s now bordering on fixation. Experiencing lots of anticipation (rediscovering NYC! going on new solo dates and adventures outside of the four walls of my apartment! seeing friends and going out dancing again!) mixed with dread (feeling unequipped to reenter the crush of society, boundaries already feeling under siege, waves of nausea about the idea of being made to work in an office again).

But let’s dwell on the positive, shall we. Yes, can’t wait to be social again, but mostly can’t wait to rid myself of having the following internal dialogue:

Voice A: I’d really like to go to the city this weekend!

Voice B: So what you’re saying is that you’re so bored with life right now that in order to inject some fun and novelty into it, you’re willing to throw everything away and put yourself squarely at risk by leaving your hermetically sealed chamber and walking around a densely populated city where about every other person these days has decided to give up on mask-wearing because they too are bored of life and willing to DIE just so something new happens to them?

A: Hm, I guess it is easier if I just stay home and do nothing.

B: 👍

It is better than it was, but this is now the era of “is this ok? is this ok? is this ok? is this ok?” Strategizing self-preservation measures. Stay tuned.