🍰✨

I don’t know what I’m feeling these days. Just constant vacillation. I’m lonely, then I’m not. I’m a hypochondriac, then I’m not. I’m calm, then I’m not. I’m young and attractive, then I’m not. It was actually easier when it got dark at 5. It felt like a real transition in the day. Now, the sun is shining when my workday ends, and there I am, sitting by myself in my apartment, wearing stretchy clothes.

My weeks have been so uneventful, which is such a strange change from the constant unending flow of work. It is so weird to have so much downtime, and I’m trying not to see it as a problem. Who knows how long it will last. Even still, the few appointments on my calendar — a virtual author talk on Wednesday, a physical appointment on Thursday, a possible friend hangout during the weekend, and my first vaccine appointment on Monday — all feel like intrusions. I get really anxious about plans and anxious about the future. A year in my life, once so expansive and limitless and full of friends and career goals and sexual intrigue, is now just an extended hibernation, which will possibly be interrupted by a “return to office” plan sometime this summer. Maybe it will be the best thing in the world for me to not be at home all day anymore. Maybe I will be able to bake more exploration into my day. Or maybe it’ll be a disaster for my mental health and autonomy. I don’t know what to want. 

I guess all of this is to say that I don’t really feel excited by anything I write anymore and I should try to find a sneaky little creative outlet to return to throughout my day so that I don’t have to feel like this forever. Something must be done about this brain fog.